everybody has somebody to love, everybody has someone that cares about them, and loves them in return. i watch the couples walking hand in hand, giving each other cute kisses, and hugs and piggy back rides. what do i have to do to get that? i just want that "nobody else but you" kind of love. i deserve it. i have been nice to others, i take good care of myself, i may not always make the right decision, but every decision i make, i make with good intentions. i don't know what else to do. why do all those other girls get the guys? should i be trashier? easier? should i give into what they want? but i don't want to do that. i shouldn't have to do that. where are the nice guys, who want the nice girls? can't they see that i'm right here waiting. i'm just right here waiting.

--

hi guys. i've moved onto tumblr, sorry to say. i've been using xanga for about three and a half years now, so i feel weird moving onto a new blog site, but i have. but i'm starting to think about returning here. it seems like xanga doesn't get that much action anymore, but i really might come back and start updating again. i hope you've all been doing well. i don't know where i left off about the story of my life, but here's an update.

he chose her. we took that step, we stopped being best friends, and moved onto full-fledge love. we had that cute, hand-holding, doing everything together sort of love. we became so comfortable with each other, and spent every moment of last summer together. everything was great up until october, when she came along. i remember that he told me on the day of Halloween. i woke up early to go and hang out with him. he had plans at 11, so that's when we hung out til, and when i was leaving, i went to give him a kiss goodbye, and he turned his head, so i kissed his cheek. i gave him a quick hug, and hopped in my car in drove away, i was almost home when i got a text saying "i'm sorry. i like her." my whole world seemed like it was crashing down, i said "so that's why you wouldn't kiss me goodbye?" his response was simple it said "yeah". he told me he still needed me, i was his best friend after all. and he was sorry about what he was doing. and that he liked her, but he loved me, and he needed me because i was his best friend and he didn't have another like me. i said okay, but i needed time and that i was shutting my phone off. he begged me not to, so i didn't. but i told him i'd probably not be that responsive all day.  he dated her for awhile, but when they broke up, he kissed me again. then he met another girl. this time i was just used to it, i wasn't the girl he wanted to be with, so i stopped getting my hopes up. i would always be the best friend. he didn't date this other girl for very long, and when they broke up, we went right back to kissing. i always thought i could resist him, and that one day i'd be strong enough to tell him no i don't want to kiss. but the truth of the matter was, i only ever wanted him, and if he wanted to kiss me, it made my whole day bright and sunny. i loved the fact that he still acted like he wanted me and that i was irresistable to him, so i always gave into him. i'm not sure if that's even worded right because it's what i wanted. i wanted to be with him, and kissing him, even if i knew he was kissing other girls too. as long as he was single, i felt like i could have him. he told me everything, even if it was bad news, like he made out with another girl or something. i just didn't care. whatever i could have of him, i took. then things evolved even more, i gave him all of me. at first i thought it was a bad decision, and i didn't talk to him for much of the day afterwards, but he was so caring and kind. always checking up on me, and eventually asking "...do you regret what happened?" when i said "no, i don't." he seemed relieved and saying "i'm glad, because i don't ever want you to feel bad about anything that happened." i don't regret it, i don't regret any time after it either. but now, he's gone back to her. the girl from Halloween day. i give him everything. i gave him all of me, all of my money, i let him use my car, i let him have all of my possessions, i let him make decisions for me, i let him decide whether my friends are good or bad, i let him have participation in every aspect of my life, every aspect. i don't know what more i could do for him, and yet she still wins. she will always win. he told me it wasn't a competition and that i'm very important to him, but it just doesn't matter. she gets him. she gets to kiss him, and hold him, and say that she's gonna marry him and announce to everyone that he's hers and she's his. and i just have to sit there and deal with it. me and him are still best friends, so i still get to hear everything. and i'm glad he's still a major part of my life, but i'm not going to say that i don't still want him, because i always will. always. my heart hurts some nights. but most of the time, i try to be out, meeting new people, getting into trouble, and enjoying my summer as much as i can. despite the fact that i barely get to see my best friend because he's out with the girl he's wants and believes he is going to marry. and i'm alone, with no one to give all my love to. it hurts, but i'm happy and i'm surviving and living. this will be the best summer of my life, no heartache is going to ruin that. and he will forever be my best friend, no matter who he chooses to be with. because i love him, and i will continue always giving him everything he wants or needs from me.

pictures

vegetarian:

scenery:
flickr.com/bob_west
(my favorite flickr thus far)

GO THERE. ^^

beautiful pictures:
http://lmart.yolasite.com/landscapes.php
(my favorite photographer thus far)

GO THERE. ^^

life:
there's so much to my life right now. i don't even know what to do with myself. i'm never genuinely happy anymore. it's hard to do lately. there's so much on my plate. so much i have to, so much i have to deal with. and so much being asked of me. it's so stressful, and i'm never stressed. so i can't imagine what it's like for someone who worries about every little thing if it's messing me up this badly. senior year is tricky, especially the end of it, especially at my school. i think everything will eventually work out. i'm looking for a job, i'm looking for a house, and i'm looking for a college, all at once. i have the college down, basically, i'm just waiting for the acceptance, really. now i'm looking for a house, yes, i am looking for a house at age 17. i already have roommates, and we already have the money, just not the actual house to move into. i'm moving out as soon as i graduate high school. i feel like i have a million times more responsibility. i am working so hard at getting my life in line. and besides all of that. i am still left with the fact that every single day i watch the boy i love fall in love with another girl. we were in love, we were supposed to be the ones always in love, and now he's chosen her. he always chooses her. bleht. i never ever focus on it, cause i always look for the positives in life (you might not tell by this site, but i am always a happy person. i look for the silver lining in absolutely everything i do. and i can tell you the pros and cons of every situation in life.) but there are times when no matter how much i look at the positives, the negatives seep through and affect me badly. these times are usually right before i fall asleep, and right when i wake up - resulting in some of the worst / restless sleep i have ever had in my entire life. i wake up in awful moods, just wanting to cry. and i won't get out of the mood until i'm physically more awake. and before i go to bed i get this feeling like my throat is closing up. but then throughout the entire day, i am entirely genuinely happy. i laugh, and joke, i'm constantly smiling, texting, listening to music, running to hug people, dancing, and just being my normal happy self, and it's not fake, and it's not forced. it's how i am. but those two times when i'm alone, laying in my bed, with sleep still on my eyes, those are the times it's the worst. i have no idea why it's like this. life as a teenage girl is a rough one, haha, i certainly didn't ask for this, let's make life MUCH easier, somehow?! :P

i hope you're all doing good,
i'd love to hear what you're up to <3
leave a comment about your life?
vent, brag, do whatever. i like reading it all :)

two is better than one.

i guess this means you take back all those things you said before.

and we both know you're everything i need.

all i can say is; one day i hope our two paths intersect again one day.

every now and then i have this dream, this dream about me and my life. it's like, me, ten years from now.. i'm successful, happy, and busy, and i'm running around the streets of the city, and then suddenly.. bam! i bump into you. just like in the movies. our eyes meet and we just stare at each other. we can't stop staring at each other until you suddenly break the silence with a smooth "heeey" and i smile, the best smile you can ever imagine. and that's how we happen. all these years of me living without you, with my broken heart you gave me, and then 10 years from now i imagine we will happen, we have to happen somehow.

Baby, baby, baby when all your love is gone, who will save me from all i'm up against out in this world

you don't want to let people in, it's hard for you. and once you let those people in, you don't want to let them go. and when they screw up, it's like, why would you do that to me? i gave you my feelings. i didn everything for you and you still screwed me over. it's like you wished they were a better person.
-the hills

you'd give anything for it. sometimes you give everything, but sometimes it's just not enough.

i should be stronger than this, you know, i should and i don't wanna be a person that, that needs help but i, i feel all alone.
-one tree hill

Does it break my heart? of course, every moment of every day into more pieces than my heart was made of. I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent. I never thought about things at all. Everything changed, and that distance wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn't the world, and it wasn't the bombs and burning buildings, it was me and my thinking, the cancer of never letting go. Is ignorance bliss? i don't know, but it's so painful to think and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me? to what place did thinking ever bring me? i think and i think and i think. I've thought myself out of happiness a million times, but never once into it.

'Love is never having to say you're sorry.' What a crock. Love is constantly saying you're sorry, even when you know damn well you're right.
-Kim Gruenenfelder.

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which i find myself constantly walking around in the daytime and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.
-Edna St. Vincent Millay

It's when I'm standing six feet away from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much i love you and how much i miss you that i want to just scream to the whole room that i'm still in love with you. it's when i'm sitting alone with the phone in my hand dialing your numer nad hanging up that i would trade a thousand tomorrows for just one yesterday. then i could just call you to tell you goodnight. it's when i am really sad about something and need someone to talk to that i realize you're the only one who really knew me at all. it's when i cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much i would give to hold you at that very moment. it's when i think about you that i realize no one else in the world is meant for me.
-a million little pieces

---

hi guys. it's been so incredibly long since i've updated this. my entire world has changed. my best friend/lover and i finally took things to the next level. we were basically dating without the title. he cared and loved again and everything was like it should be. we were so happy, so incredibly happy. and then everything just stopped. just like that. he met this girl, he really liked her, and i was just thrown to the side. he destroyed me for awhile. i have never ever ever been like that before. i changed completely. i shut myself off from everyone, including him. i didn't want to trust, i didn't want to love, i didn't want to care. i cried a lot, which is something i never ever do. i was weak and vulnerable and anything could get me. we were basically a couple and so in love, and then he met her, and she was pretty and they kissed and that was it. he made up his mind. i was so indisposable and it hurt so badly. they began dating within three days or some crazy number of days like that. he didn't want me as a girlfriend anymore, or at least, he didn't want me as one right then. he told me he still loved me, but he could picture himself actually being with me forever and marrying me, and that he didn't want to be married just yet. so we went back to being best friends. we had always been awesome best friends. we had been best friends for a year and a half before we even attempted to date, and everyone loved us as best friends. we brought the fun with us wherever we want and were always goofy and flirty and idk, it was great. so it took us awhile to get back to normal. i kept changing and shutting him out and being a miserable person to be around, and he kept being pissed that i was miserable. he was actually mad at me for him breaking my heart. he told me i had changed and he hated the new me and loved the old me. i was so confused, i was just upset? but to be honest, i'm glad he said that to me. it immediately took me out of my funk. i stopped being miserable almost immediately. at first, my fake-happiness was just that, fake. but then it just evolved into real happiness. i was happy about everything again, just like i used to be. i was happy and peppy and generally, i was myself again. so even though it was a weird tactic, him being hard on me made everything so much better. now him and said girl have been dating a little over a month and they're fairly happy. i still wince and look away everytime they kiss or hold hands or something, i don't think i'll ever get over that, because he used to be mine. but it doesn't actually upset me, i just can't watch it happen. and now we're back to our usual best friend selves. we joke, we love, we flirt, we have secrets, we trust, and i have him back as my best friend. and i think i'm happy like this. every now and then i get a little sad. but i don't think i've been this happy in awhile, i wasn't even this happy while we were almost dating. i'm so happy. and he's so happy. and honestly, those are the only things that matter.

sorry that i haven't updated this, but my life has been crazy. senior year is a fun one :)
Merry (almost) Christmas to everyone, <3 i hope you have the best one yet.

help. - edited.

originally: september 8th, @6:31pm:

i just got my heart broken.
not only do i love him,
but he's my best friend.
i'm completely miserable...
i've never experienced this.
my whole body hurts.
i can't even cry.
i've watched disney channel for four hours straight.
it calms me down.
i told him everything,
i've never trusted anyone so much...
and then he just up and left.
he wants nothing to do with me.
i don't feel like doing anything.
somebody help.
i've never been through this, ever.
nothing to this extreme at least.

edit:

thank you to everyone who left comments, i didn't feel like responding at the time. because i didn't want to think about it. the next day (yesterday) me and him talked, and things only got worse. he told me he didn't care about me, and that he had given me his everything, and now he was taking it all back and if i wanted to stick around, i could, but i shouldn't expect him to give me any appreciation, or love, or anything from him. and all i would be was ... there... and he was going to make no effort to spend time with me, or stay friends, and if i wanted to be with him as friends, then that was up to me. he told me that if i was ever upset or needed something, he would be there for me, but only because he didn't want to be a douchebag after everything we had gone through as friends for 6 years. i told him i just wanted him to be my best friend again, back like the good old days, i told him i did everything i could in my power to make him happy and i still always disappointed him, so i didn't know what more i could do, and he told me why he was like this suddenly. and the reason made me feel so stupid and small, i screwed up - not in a big way, but in a way that hurt him... just the same. i felt miserable, it was the first time he had ever made me cry. i couldnt' stop crying. i said "you're going to go down the path all my old best friends went down. i'm still going to care so much about you, and you're not going to give a crap about me." and he said "you're right." i was destroyed.

then, today, i went over his house after school. it was awkward at first. and he was harsh, very harsh. everything he said cut me to the bone, and numerous times he told me to leave. he was only joking, but i could tell there was truth behind it. i felt completely dead and empty. then finally i was sitting on his bed and he was being a jerk, and a tear escaped. and i have never ever ever cried in front of him, or because of him ever before. so i quickly through a blanket over my head so he wouldn't see. and he goes "woah, what are you doing?!" and i didn't say anything. and he raced over to his bed and pulled the blanket off of my head. and i just looked up at him trying so hard to stop the tears, but then another one slipped out. so i covered my eyes with my hands, and he pulled them away. and goes "what's the matter", and then i started to tell him, but i didn't want to, because we had already had this talk and i knew he didn't want anything to do with me, so i was just going to let it go no matter how badly i didn't want to. and so i shook my head and went to wipe the tears away, and he grabbed my hand and pulled it away so i couldn't wipe my tears, and then he leaned over and wiped them away for me, and then he pulled me into a hug, and we just laid there on his bed him hugging me, and eventually he said "why are you being like this?" and i said "You" and we had our little talk. and we laid there for quite some time, him just holding me, and wiping away my tears and us talking. then he gave me a kiss on the cheek and we sat up.

eventually i cheered up, i didn't want to cry in front of him. and he started being nicer. and he even kissed me a few times, on the lips. and he kissed me a lot of times on the cheek which was always our "best friend" thing before we told each other that we had had feelings for each other. so i started to feel again, even though occasionally he'd just remind me that he didn't care by saying "i still dont' care about you" or something to that extent (he wouldn't say it like that, he'd hide it behind other words, but that was the meaning of it... i knew) and then finally he told me htat IIIII didn't love HIM. and i freaked out. i yelled. i was like "i love you more than anyone, or anything. i love you i love you i love you!" and then i had to go home and we were sitting in my car, he drove it down the street for some reason. and i was sittingin the drivers seat and he was standing outside the drivers door and he said "k, talk toy ou later?" and i put out my hands for a hug, so he leaned and hugged me. then he went to close my door, but he just stared at me and i said "what?" and he goes "you're so stupid" and leaned in and kissed me. then i said "i love you. i do. you should know more than anyone that i love you." and he rolled his eyes like he didn't believe me. and i was like "you can't even deny it that i love you." and he said "yes i can" i said "well you can, but you'd be wrong. i love you." and he rolled his eyes and closed my door, and i sat there for a second. and then he opened the door and said "i love you too." and closed the door and walked away.

i feel so much better. idk how long this will last though. we'll see. that's all i can say.
thank you to everyone who's read this and has helped me. it means a lot more than you can imagine.