help. - edited.

originally: september 8th, @6:31pm:

i just got my heart broken.
not only do i love him,
but he's my best friend.
i'm completely miserable...
i've never experienced this.
my whole body hurts.
i can't even cry.
i've watched disney channel for four hours straight.
it calms me down.
i told him everything,
i've never trusted anyone so much...
and then he just up and left.
he wants nothing to do with me.
i don't feel like doing anything.
somebody help.
i've never been through this, ever.
nothing to this extreme at least.

edit:

thank you to everyone who left comments, i didn't feel like responding at the time. because i didn't want to think about it. the next day (yesterday) me and him talked, and things only got worse. he told me he didn't care about me, and that he had given me his everything, and now he was taking it all back and if i wanted to stick around, i could, but i shouldn't expect him to give me any appreciation, or love, or anything from him. and all i would be was ... there... and he was going to make no effort to spend time with me, or stay friends, and if i wanted to be with him as friends, then that was up to me. he told me that if i was ever upset or needed something, he would be there for me, but only because he didn't want to be a douchebag after everything we had gone through as friends for 6 years. i told him i just wanted him to be my best friend again, back like the good old days, i told him i did everything i could in my power to make him happy and i still always disappointed him, so i didn't know what more i could do, and he told me why he was like this suddenly. and the reason made me feel so stupid and small, i screwed up - not in a big way, but in a way that hurt him... just the same. i felt miserable, it was the first time he had ever made me cry. i couldnt' stop crying. i said "you're going to go down the path all my old best friends went down. i'm still going to care so much about you, and you're not going to give a crap about me." and he said "you're right." i was destroyed.

then, today, i went over his house after school. it was awkward at first. and he was harsh, very harsh. everything he said cut me to the bone, and numerous times he told me to leave. he was only joking, but i could tell there was truth behind it. i felt completely dead and empty. then finally i was sitting on his bed and he was being a jerk, and a tear escaped. and i have never ever ever cried in front of him, or because of him ever before. so i quickly through a blanket over my head so he wouldn't see. and he goes "woah, what are you doing?!" and i didn't say anything. and he raced over to his bed and pulled the blanket off of my head. and i just looked up at him trying so hard to stop the tears, but then another one slipped out. so i covered my eyes with my hands, and he pulled them away. and goes "what's the matter", and then i started to tell him, but i didn't want to, because we had already had this talk and i knew he didn't want anything to do with me, so i was just going to let it go no matter how badly i didn't want to. and so i shook my head and went to wipe the tears away, and he grabbed my hand and pulled it away so i couldn't wipe my tears, and then he leaned over and wiped them away for me, and then he pulled me into a hug, and we just laid there on his bed him hugging me, and eventually he said "why are you being like this?" and i said "You" and we had our little talk. and we laid there for quite some time, him just holding me, and wiping away my tears and us talking. then he gave me a kiss on the cheek and we sat up.

eventually i cheered up, i didn't want to cry in front of him. and he started being nicer. and he even kissed me a few times, on the lips. and he kissed me a lot of times on the cheek which was always our "best friend" thing before we told each other that we had had feelings for each other. so i started to feel again, even though occasionally he'd just remind me that he didn't care by saying "i still dont' care about you" or something to that extent (he wouldn't say it like that, he'd hide it behind other words, but that was the meaning of it... i knew) and then finally he told me htat IIIII didn't love HIM. and i freaked out. i yelled. i was like "i love you more than anyone, or anything. i love you i love you i love you!" and then i had to go home and we were sitting in my car, he drove it down the street for some reason. and i was sittingin the drivers seat and he was standing outside the drivers door and he said "k, talk toy ou later?" and i put out my hands for a hug, so he leaned and hugged me. then he went to close my door, but he just stared at me and i said "what?" and he goes "you're so stupid" and leaned in and kissed me. then i said "i love you. i do. you should know more than anyone that i love you." and he rolled his eyes like he didn't believe me. and i was like "you can't even deny it that i love you." and he said "yes i can" i said "well you can, but you'd be wrong. i love you." and he rolled his eyes and closed my door, and i sat there for a second. and then he opened the door and said "i love you too." and closed the door and walked away.

i feel so much better. idk how long this will last though. we'll see. that's all i can say.
thank you to everyone who's read this and has helped me. it means a lot more than you can imagine.

listen to me.

i don't know how to begin telling you all this or why i even think i have the right to tell you all this, but i just want you to listen and take it all in. don't ever be afraid of the "what-if's" they're pointless, and if you don't take any risks in life, you'll always be disappointed with what you have, because whether you realize it or not, things are going to change. you don't have to make them change or do anything differently to make them change. they will change all on their own, and you can't stop it no matter how hard you fight it. but that doesn't mean don't fight it. fight for everything you want. if something's changing that you don't want to, fight for it. never stop fighting. you'll never get anything you really want if you don't fight for it. people you love are going to die, or leave you, and you're going to have to deal with it, so live up moments with them now. if someone's in your life, it's because they want to be there, not because they have to, nobody has to be around anybody if they don't want to be, so embrace them. tell someone you love them, don't just assume they know it. tell someone that they're special to you. play with your pets, because eventually, they won't be around for you to cuddle with. honestly, TAKE A FREAKING CHANCE. all my life i passed by opportunities, turned down guys i liked, and never took a risk because i was afraid of things changing, or getting hurt, or disappointing somebody. do not be like me, i was stupid. i started taking risks, i started missing curfews, i finally decided to say "yes" to a boy that i liked, and everything is not perfect, i've gotten hurt, i've gotten in trouble, but i've also had the best times of my life. i've befriended people that used to intimidate me, i've realized that nobody needs to tell me i'm good enough- i make that decision on my own, and if i want to be good enough, then i am. nobody is born with low confidence, you create that yourself. so if you want high confidence, just tell yourself you can do whatever you set your mind to. you are just as good as the person next to you. don't let anybody tell you differently. don't waste your life away. there is so much beauty and goodness in this world. you don't need to be on your computer all the time, or texting, or watching tv. i guarantee if you miss your favorite show because you were out with friends - you won't regret it. make memories, don't watch fake ones being created. LIVE YOUR LIFE. and live it to its fullest. this world offers so much. don't ever say no if you want to say yes. grab that last slice of pizza, or buy that piece of chocolate cake. do what makes you happy and don't let anybody tell you it's bad for you. if you take a risk, and it ends up hurting you, know that at least you did something you wanted, and fall back on those that are there for you. and NEVER think that nobody will be there for you. if your family isn't really the most loving, and your friends ditch you... there will always be somebody out there that will talk to you, and make you feel better about yourself. always. that's a promise i can make. so go. get offline. go take a chance. make a memory. fall in love. stop reading this and get on your way.... there's just so much to enjoy.

- and this- is why i haven't been updating. i'm taking in all the opportunities i can, and falling in love, and taking risks and i'm happy. i've been hurt, and i've been scared, and i've lost someone i've loved very recently. but i'm happier that i did and said what i wanted to, and that's all i can really ask for. i'll still keep this site up, but i won't update it as often. i'm in my senior year of highschool, and i'm going to enjoy every second of it.

i love you guys, and everything you have done for me, and this site. i still check it occasionally and read your guys's updates, so if you need anything, just comment. bye bye loves.

i was watching hercules while doing this :)

i was supposed to update yesterday, but i got grounded. so sorry i didn't mean to lie!

some things are meant to be broken and i won't settle to be one of them.

the day the earth ends, will be chaos, people crowding the airport, screams, cries, hugs, kisses, people trying to find their loved ones. the phone lines being slowed down by millions of phone calls and texts being sent by people trying to tell other's things they never said. never take a day for granted, and never let one crucial thought or feeling go unspoken. there will be a day when that chance expires.

the wonderful thing about falling in love is that you learn everything about that person so quickly. and if it's true love, then you start to see yourself through their eyes and it brings out the best in you. it's almost like you are falling in love with yourself.

something always brings me back to you. it never takes too long. no matter what i say or do i'll still feel you here til the moment i'm gone. you hold me without touch. you keep me without chains. i never wanted anythign so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

and by the time i realized that you had me, it was too late. when you hurt me over and over, and i preferred to be continuously hurt by you then to live without you.

you've trapped me, babe. you've trapped me with your eyes, and your smile, and your oh too cute words. when you told me you liked me, and you kissed my nose. when you squeezed my hand in yours and wrapped your arm around me and pulled me close, then i knew there was no escaping you.

"sometimes it's better to be alone."
"what do you mean?"
"nobody can hurt you."
- Hercules.

every time i'm with you, i just want to pull you closer. and every time i'm away from you, i just want you there. i can't get enough of you, and i don't know what to do.

i thought my heart had learned it's lesson, it feels so good when you start out.

when you weren't mine, i couldn't get you. when i finally got you, i couldn't keep you. when i couldn't keep you, i got over you. when i got over you, you wanted me.

--

hey. sorry i've been gone for so long. life has been so crazy hectic. i think i'm on my way to falling in love. it's so insane. we finally took the plunge and moved out of our "friend-zone". we kiss more than i've ever kissed anyone. i mean, he's hurt me a few times, which has been awful. yesterday was the worst of them all. but he apologized and promised nothing like that would ever happen again and that he loved me, and if i ever left his life he would be torn to pieces. i said that it would take him like, a week, to get over me, and he freaked out and said he'd fall apart. we're still not dating, but not because of our choices. my parents think he's too old (he's three years older than me, aha) and i don't want to have to secretly date him. sooo, we're just gonna wait awhile. okie, i love you guys. bye.

i don't think i'm getting out of bed today

sorry for not updating. i've been busy. you guys are all so beautiful.

the way you make me feel is unlike anything i've ever experienced before. you make me feel like i'm dying and flying and living and that my heart just stopped beating but yet is pumping 90 mph all in one moment. you make me feel invincible but vulnerable. weak, but like nothing could ever bring me down. you make me feel like i'm free and yet trapped by your every move. you leave me breathless and yet are the only thing that keeps me still breathing. you control my every thought, movement, heart beat. you've got me, all of me. that's all i can give.

i miss you more, whenever i think about you.

sometimes i miss you. and sometimes...sometimes, i remember those happy moments we had. you remember, i hope. the moments when we spent all night playing on the swings, when you walked me home in the rain, when you held my hand through all the moments i was scared. you were my childhood, and you won't be my future. somebody new will fill your place... and i think i'm finally alright with that.

here i am, thinking about you, wondering if you're thinking about me. i see you occasionally. you look happy. i wonder if you're looking at me, thinking that i look happy too. i want you to know that i'm happy and strong without you. i want you to know that i've moved on. i want you to know that i'm independent and that you didn't break me down. i want you to know all of those things. but, at the same time, i want you to know, there are still those moments when i think of you and tears come to my eyes. i want you to know there are still times when i scream your name wishing for you back, theres times when i just wish you were back. i want you to know that if you asked to come back into my life, i would welcome you back in a heartbeat.

lets slow dance and be the couple everyone wishes they could be. let's walk in the rain and hold hands the whole time, let's look at the stars and kiss all night, let's take it slow and then speed up, let's take stupid pictures and laugh until we can't breathe, let's be friends, let's be lovers, let's be together.

not everything is easy, but the things that don't come easy, are usually the things worth fighting for.

if you're feeling down or trapped or hurt or insecure. just make yourself look hot. everything is so much easier when you're turning heads and feeling sexy.

don't say we're not right for each other.
the way i see it, we're not meant for anyone else.

don't you care about me anymore?

NOT EVERYBODY IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR.
choose           your           battles           wisely.

and if you're away for more than an hour, i can't stop thinking about you and your smile. when you smile, my world is alright.

i wanna hold hands and waste friday nights with you.

the view from here is getting better with you by my side

i keep coming back to you
expecting things to be different

- - -

hiya guys! i'm content. things aren't perfect, but they're fine with me. should i write about my life? i don't know. it seems kinda repeating. he's absolutely incredible, he makes my heart flutter everytime i'm with him, he continuously does stuff that makes me feel special, he buys me presents just to watch my face light up, he cuddles me while watching movies, he kisses my face all over, he play wrestles with me, he makes fun of me, he tickles my belly and my feet, he pushes the hair out of my face, he gets jealous of other guys, he holds my hand just to make me feel better, he calls me all hours of the day and night just to say i love you, he sings songs to me, he drops everything just to be with me. he's everything i could ask for and more. he gave me an engagement ring... he did it awhile ago.. as a joke.. but yesterday, he turned it seriously. i've worn it every single day and i never take it off, for anything. i think i'm honestly falling in love. still no relationship, or title, im honestly not complaining. i like things how they are now. there's a little more to it than that, but i think you'd think i was messed up if i explained it to you. be happy, be loved, be you.

weirdest rant at the end, sorry.

The past can't hurt you anymore. Unless you let it

"I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized, you just say, "Hi." They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word."
- Augusten Burroughs

This is life. People will screw you over. You'll fight with your family. You'll witness things that will change you forever. You'll blame new lovers for things old lovers did. You'll lose best friends you thought would always be there. You'll come to realize that everyone has a past. You'll cry, you'll laugh, and you'll embarrass yourself. But then, you'll find your very own moment where none of that matters; where you can sit back and realize that crap happens to the people who can handle it and that this is who you are adn that no one should want to change you, including yourself.

"Maybe she was right. Maybe butterflies bring nothing but happiness. Maybe butterflies aren't exactly the key to happiness, but there is something to be said about the simple things in life, things that bring joy. Like snow or wildflowers. Or a sunny day, or the smell of pumpkin pie. Not clothes or guys or getting the lead in a play, or every good grade. None of those things will really make you happy. The little things, like catching and releasing butterflies, just might."
- Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul

I want to bust the world wide open the way you do when you're filled with youth. I want to engage with lovers and people and fellow cops. I want to be physical, and I also want to ask the big questions. I want to taste the tastes and fix the problems. I want to run headlong into chaos and bad guys and darkness and friends and fun and laugh, laugh, laugh. I want to be the best friend, and I want to be the greatest aunt and the most complicated daughter. I want to be the mystery in the room, and I want to be known.

"I'm not so sure what we should be;
I'm not sure it should be left up to me.
I've been buried in these blankets for far too long
Pick it all up, uncover what went wrong
But who's to say what I can say?
We've all got something that won't go away.
It's not that I don't love you, I do love you.
I should tell you.
But I can't."
- "Red Letter" -This Condition

- - -

sorry it was short. that song, the last quote, is such an amazing song. if you need a good song, listen to it. it feels you with happiness and sadness all at the same time, and messes with your emotions like a song should. a lots been happening in my life. i don't know how i should explain it to you guys, i'm not even sure if you would understand at all. right now i feel like i'm going to cry, or burst out laughing, i don't know how i'm feeling. i've lost all control of understanding myself. i understand others so much better than i understand myself... is that even possible? tomorrow should be the happiest / worst day of my life. yeah, i'm not even sure about which one it will be. it's all the element of the unknown. i met a boy. or, rather, i reconnected with a boy from my past. we were never close when we had known each other and gone to school together, but we got close now. i'm scared of commitment, i think that's what it is. i used to think that was the dumbest fear to ever exist, but maybe i have it? nah... i know i'm not afraid of commitment, i'm afraid of disappointing somebody. i'm afraid of disappointing my best friend, he thinks i should stay single for awhile, and i'm afraid to disappoint his expectations. weird, i know. i'm sorry you're reading such a weird girl's site. anyways... i reconnected with that boy... he told me he really liked me, and he wanted to be with me. he was being sweet. i pushed him away. instantly. i found a flaw in him, and i ran with it. i blew it way out of proportion, to the point where i told him not to talk to me ever again. i'm really screwed up. i really am. i have a new set of friends. i'm barely friends with anybody i go to school with anymore, not because they don't like me, or don't try to hang out with me, i mean... i did get invites to hang out with them all weekend, but i've changed my mind about being friends with them. they don't make me happy, they aggravate me every time i'm with them. i can be happy with them for about an hour, and then they'll say something and i'll find them all to be really annoying. that's not what friends should be... so i'm distancing myself, before i say something that will hurt them. i spent the week meeting totally random people. at the mall, at the dmv, from different schools i was visiting, friends of other friends, and just old friends from old schools that i'd forgotten about. i've filled my life with new people, it's amazing. i haven't forgotten the friends i have though. i still talk to them, and i think a piece of me will always love and respect them all, no matter how annoyed i got with them. well, i bet you guys know i always update when i'm in a bad mood, so you're probably waiting to find out why i'm in a bad mood... he came back. ugh. you don't know who he is, i don't even understand at all why he's so important to me. nothing really happened between us, and even if it did... it was before we even learned how to write in cursive. i don't get why he's important to me. but on my quest to reconnect with old people, he popped up. he started talking to me. and i'm sitting here absolutely scared to death of what will happen if i talk to him. it's sending my head for a spin. i have so much more to tell you guys, but i think you already have read enough for tonight.

this picture makes my stomach do happy flip flops :)